Week 9---Peace, Fog, and A Too Soon Departure

Welp, faithful readers, I've finished my ninth week here at AO. It's so unbelievable to think in two weeks I'm moving out of the apartment and going home for three weeks then going back to Nashville, Belmont, friends, and pursuing what God has for me.

Here's a little catch-up on this week::

Taira and I had three people volunteer for Kid's Club. I was a little worried that it wouldn't go as smoothly as we'd like. Boy, was I wrong! This week was the best week as far as dealing with the kids and such. Every week there are those moments you want to pull your hair out because the kids won't listen and you feel you sound like a broken record, repeating the same things four or five times. This week, however, there was hardly any fights to break up. The three ladies who went with us, a middle-aged woman and two young teenagers, jumped right in and started helping out and bonding with the kids. They even had crafts that turned out to be a big hit with the kids! They were worried the kids wouldn't like the crafts and wouldn't participate, but they did and they loved them! I love how we expect the kids to respond and then they do a whole 180 and blow our minds. haha

Some pictures will be up soon so you can see the week we had.

Tomorrow Will, our missionary from Maryland, is going home. We are all very sad to see him leave. His dad is home from Iraq and Will hasn't seen him for about six months. I'm happy he'll be able to go home and spend some time with his family, but I'm also sad to see him go. He's such a great guy with a lot of energy. He makes us all laugh so easily. We'll miss him greatly. We love ya, Will!!

Now to explain the fog. Recently, as I've been reading the Bible, some questions have come up in my mind that scare me a little but also make me wonder. I'm reading Acts and I'm reading about how the disciples went out into the world and preached the Gospel. For some odd reason doubts have been coming up in my mind....no not doubts. That's not the right word. Wonderments cross my mind like "What if this isn't real?" or "What if I get to heaven and I'm dead wrong about everything?" or "Am I really doing the right thing?" or "Am I really forgiven when I sin?" These questions, especially the last one, is preposterous. My song for the week has definitely been "East to West" by Casting Crowns. It describes me like right on point. Also, Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" has been running through my mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyoVJfADlwo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4qPceadBMU

I believe Jesus is alive. I do believe Jesus has forgiven me. I know Jesus is my Savior and has my back. It's just hard right now to believe I'm truly forgiven. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Paul got it on point! Every time I do something wrong, I pray and ask God to forgive me. No sooner than I pray that prayer then I'm back doing what I was doing and I'm like "wait a minute. What the crap are you doing?!" I just feel like He's gonna get sick and tired of me screwing up and erase my name...That is such a big fear of mine, one I'm ashamed of having but sort of good to have because it keeps me on my toes.

As far as doing the right thing. How do we ever know we're on the right path? How do we ever know what we're doing is exactly what God wants us to do? As far as AO is concerned, yea I knew I was supposed to be here. I wouldn't have had such a great time if I wasn't. But, spiritually, I feel as though I'm not on track and that scares me. Here I am, trying to minister to kids and those around me when I myself feel as though I'm just stuck in sin. I know when we accept Jesus we're instantly a new creation, in the world not of it.

Some of the fog has lifted and it's died away. It's left me. But, some of it is still there. Please pray for me. I rarely ask for personal prayer but this time, I really need ya'll's support. I don't need questions. I need answers. I need reassurance from the Lord that what I'm doing and what I believe is legit, is hardcore. My fear is that I believe but as soon as I'm tested, I'll fall away and I don't want that. I want to serve Jesus and be with Him for eternity. I don't want to gain the world and lose my soul, as TobyMac says so correctly. So, please, if I pass your mind, throw up a prayer to Jesus for me. I'm praying and asking for clarity. It's just a matter of seeing what He does.

Then on the other hand I'm just wondering if I'm feeling like this because, since I've been on this battlefield in Jeff. City, I'm wondering if I just need to get away, sit in my room, my cat next to me, and think back on the summer. I need a winding down of my spirit. I need to rest in the Lord. Maybe that's it and maybe that's why I feel as though I have uncertainties about my faith. I'm uncertain as to what to do with all that has happened...

Either way, pray for me.

A bunch of us are going hiking tomorrow: Ramsay Cascades, an 8 mile hike. I'm so stoked!



Ciao!